Silence. The Day My Music Died

Can you hear the silence? It is so very loud.

I remember that deafening silence, so very well. The doctor had just left the room. He did excuse himself, I remember that, but I’ve no idea why he left the room. We sat there. My eyes were focused on the dusty clock sitting on the overcrowded window sill. The clock blurred every few seconds as I felt my cheeks getting wetter. My (now) husband sat beside me. I felt his hand, all clammy and shaking, touching my upper leg. I guess he wanted my attention.

I continued to stare at the clock.

1:02 PM.

I heard him. I heard his sigh. It wasn’t his normal sigh. It was the heaviest, loudest, most heartbreaking sigh I had ever heard. I couldn’t look at him. He got up. “Jesus Christ,” he let himself sob. Slowly I looked up at him. His head was hanging low as the tears now fell from his nose. I looked back at the dusty, horrible clock.

1:14 PM.

The doctor was back. “Sorry about that,” he said. I wiped my eyes as ‘D’ sat back down, rubbing his face with a crumpled-up tissue. “We have an appointment set up with a genetic counsellor for you,” he said, handing ‘D’ a tissue. “But it will be next week,” he sighed. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, exhaled slowly. I watched his big chest rise and fall. I looked away as his eyes popped back open. “I, I.. ” he stammered. “I cannot stress how sorry I am. I know this is very shocking news. I will be here for you both, and Ethan, whenever you need me. I am deeply, deeply sorry. We just don’t come across this condition. We just don’t…”

I am sure he was still talking when I suddenly found myself standing up, gathering the single leaflet he had handed us an hour earlier.

“Oh, Miss Smyth, I’m not. You can’t…”

“Doctor Browne.” I knew my voice was shaking as I felt ‘D’ slip his fingers into mine. “You’ve just told me my son is…”

I couldn’t say it. My eyes stung as my chest collapsed. I had never felt my heart break until that moment. I had no control. Everything went black.

I remember ‘D’ rubbing my hand as a nurse was trying to give me water. Doctor Browne was standing over me. “You’re OK Miss Smyth. The nurse is here and Mr. Renton and I are going to help you up now.” He nodded at the nurse, then at ‘D’.

I brought myself to my feet and drank the ice cold water. I thanked the nurse. She left the room. ‘D’ rubbed my back, his eyes all red and watery. He didn’t open his mouth. I think he was afraid the same would happen to him. I understood that. That was, in fact, the only thing I understood that whole entire week.

That was the week the lovely doctor in his dusty brown office told us our son was dying.

About the Author

Geraldine Renton
Geraldine Renton lives in Galway city with her husband and three young sons. Life changed dramatically for Geraldine and her family back in 2008 when her eldest son, Ethan, was diagnosed with a life limiting condition known as Hunter Syndrome. Looking for an outlet for herself mainly, Geraldine began taking regular creative writing classes. In 2015, she wrote her first article which MummyPages published. Since then, she has continued to have her articles published all over the world. Geraldine writes openly and honestly about life with Ethan, often finding humour where others would neglect to look. You can also find plenty of Geraldine’s childhood stories throughout her website (http://geraldinerenton.com). In 2016 her blog “It’s Me & Ethan” won Best New Blog (2016), awarded by the Irish Bloggers Association. Geraldine continues to write regularly, not only on her own website but also for others. She is also writing a book! She has a non-fiction short story with ‘The One Million Project’, a global network of writers and illustrators coming together to publish a book in aid of different charities in the UK. The book is due for publication at the end of this year. When she’s not writing, Geraldine is a keen photographer and enjoys life with all her boys. She tells The Galway Eye she knows far too much about LEGO NINJAGO, Minecraft and how to burp on demand [*raises eyebrows* – Ed.] She possibly [no doubt about it – Ed.] has a Netflix addiction and recently became part of the Stream Team UK and Ireland for Netflix, running a Facebook page all about Netflix. Her motto in life is a lot like Ferris Bueller’s – enjoy the littlest of moments for they are the moments that make up a lifetime of memories.